S05.E01. The Break Up Bunch (Part 1)

I'd rather be someone's shot of bourbon than everyone's cup of tea.


 This season opens with a montage of a "A Day In the Life" of the Charlestonians we missed...

Cameron opens up with a contrived white-sheets-get-out-of-bed scene; where cameras and a producer are standing by after prompting her to stage it. The audience appreciates a brief glimpse of the Southern Living Magazine spread- and I am not talking about her cute little basketball prego belly.

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Craig-Missing-An-HGTV-Show is spraying for bugs or doing a popcorn ceiling on a property. Please tell me Pinterest is not telling him to bring back popcorn ceilings. 

 Shep is getting Chick Fil A. Not the first chicken we have seen him pick up.

Cameron brags about how easy her pregnancy has been- from the same woman who can eat tacos and beer without gaining weight (still waiting for a Bravo TV character that admits she gains weight when she looks at tacos and beers. I still standby the only "real" character that was the one who smoked with latex gloves and put her Fitbit on her dog from Home Sweet Oklahoma). 

Cameron and Shep talk about his recent foray into Dating with Shep or whatever wasted dating spin off he was on in order to avoid having a job- which I think the prize should have been you don't get a STD and get instead a mature man out of the deal not named after the show's star. Why keep pushing a guy who isn't ready to settle down? How did that work out for TRav who took the baiting of the friends to settle down? Why hasn't anyone pointed out that Shep is on the TRav track- only thing missing is a DUI or some drug charges...yet.

Danni is hanging out with Kathryn- because they need a female side kick besides one of the guys she has slept with, one who has crushed on her or a girl that TRav has slept with- apparently, Kathryn has realized that having babies with Thomas is not a ticket to King Street.  (If you have seen previous seasons- he allegedly promised  to take care of her for life. She didn't realize he thought this meant: lawyer fees, no-notice drug tests,  nanny dramatics, unfilled relationship commitments  and his own Wife classes that were set up for her to fail such as cooking and entertaining). Kids are expensive, they are not good monetary investments to get a return on and make everything harder- investment bankers and career counselors will let you know on this). Sadly, for her she has had to grow up really quick on camera- whereas the rest of the world usually does not have every bad decision, drunken night and double standard paraded on reality television and the hypocritical elitist judgements of her Southern Charm "friends" or peers giving commentary on it. She has turned from party college ginger- as in red sharpie marker hair- to really the girl I think a lot of people want to see succeed. She is the phoenix of the ashes- the audience wants to see her be the best mom, hustle her career, finally "be good enough" for Thomas only to reject him  and become the Robin Hood of Charleston. 

I want to know more about Danni's broken engagement (I know not my business). She said they were two different people right before the wedding- that means there is a story there. And I am not going to lie, her relationship with Stassi is incest. Something doesn't feel right about it. In this case, I don't like when reality television shows collide.

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Thomas is mourning losing his nanny during negotiations with Kathryn more than the relationship with his children's mother; leading one to think maybe the boss needs more babying than the children need.

TRav introduces his new girlfriend, in an effort to project what he thinks he deserves like a boy scout badge- basically anything but Kathryn and to prove to some of the other younger fillies in his social circle such as Danni who has rejected him. 

Chelsea is on the show still- hopefully, we are spared of another showmance with Austin. Naomie is talking about the break-up with Craig; evidently she didn't appreciate his homemaker skills to be a good wife someday or his hope chest collection he has been saving of quilting supplies. I don't understand the sink set-up in her shop- it was very distracting whether the wall was done or not. There was a tin backsplash and some glue that was left. Is this a salon write-up with the department of health?  I am sorry- but it distracted me from paying attention the scene.

Chelsea doesn't appreciate late night visits from Austin after he went out with the boys. She isn't into him- surrr-prise the ending on this transparent effort to get her on the show. Chelsea assures Naomie she wasn't mad he was dating one of her friends. Listen, man, I know He's Just Not That Into You was an early 2000s fad...but may want to break out the Kindle edition of that for Austin. I may be old and immature- but I remember the days where you missed your guy and him coming over after seeing the boys made you feel special, you didn't even want to be apart for two hours and assured he wasn't going home with anyone else. I also remember the days you didn't want to see your guys with another friend. 

J.D. decides after 5 seasons that he wants to join the bachelors on the show- and be one. I mean that Elizabeth, mother of 4 children and socialite of Charleston, told him she is no longer in love with him. Ummmm. Okay. We can only hear his side of the story, because Ms. Elizabeth isn't going to give a one sided version of a divorce to a Bravo TV camera crew about the reasons. At least someone is thinking of the 4 mini J.D.s. 

Shep gets a "Jennifer" (she is a blonde and has a name like Jennifer, Jessica, Katie or some other name that the audience isn't going to remember) to help him host a birthday at his house and sets up Craig as the grill daddy- because you know Shep sees him as the hired help and has to remind him any chance he gets on the hierarchy. The man made him an apron with his name on it- the man can throw down in Home Ec Class. Serously bud. 

TRav can't wait to show off his girlfriend he compares in every other interview to Kathryn, has having "manners." Ladies in TRav's eyes apparently that use the word "hootchie;" is classy in his social circles. 

The episode leaves off with the ladies all meeting to get ready to go to Shep's house for his birthday and to kick off the season. TRav leaves off wanting to show off his girl in front of Kathryn- because you know he is a pillar of the community and so much more mature than the younger mother of his children. 

The Gentleman Pirate...and his name wasn't Thomas

Nearly 50 pirates were hung in Charleston in 1718. Blackbeard was the most infamous pirate who was in the harbor that year. However, the Gentleman Pirate, Stede Bonnet, met his maker on the gallows at White Point Garden. Stede Bonnet was a major in Barbados Army and came from a good family. He had been captured in a battle with Colonel William Rhett.

Bonnet was born July of 1688 in Bridgetown Barbados into a wealthy English Family. In 1694, after his father's death, he inherited his family's estate. He would go on to marry Mary Allamby in 1709. Despite his lack of nautical experience, Stede Bonnet decided to leave behind his marital problems, a dead child and dabble in piracy in 1717. 

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On board his ship, Revenge, he paid a crew to travel along the eastern seaboard capturing and burning other Barbadian ships. He was seriously wounded with an encounter with a Spanish warship while en route to the haven for other pirates such as himself in the Bahamas. For a time, he ceded his command to Blackbeard due to him incapable of leading his crew. Together they plundered merchant ships together. His crew ultimately left him for Blackbeard aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge and Stede was a guest aboard for a time.  Or really, it was a nice way of saying that Blackbeard sensed an amateur and decided to seize command with the consent of Bonnet's first mate.  His ego was definitely hurt.

Stede Bennet went ashore in North Carolina- he found his ship abandoned and stripped- his 25 crew members were left on a small island. He began to grow his reputation with his improved skills- killing prisoners, pushing around civilians and crew abuse as he hit the seas again.. Colonel William Rhett was sent by the governor of South Carolina to capture him. Col Rhett chased him down to the mouth of the Cape Fear River. A firefight ensued with the pirate was captured; despite his declarations of blowing himself and the ship up. His crew was like, hold up, wait a minute and surrendered. Stede Bonnet tried to exploit his upper-class background and plead with the governor. His men had been hanged and his long trial ended with his hanging on the 10th of December 1718. His adventures last less than two years. 

Images were used from the Southern Charm's cast public Instagram profiles