S05.E04. All Talk No Action


-Coco Chanel


- Summary By Bravo TV

Cameron's best gift was borrowing Patricia's butler, Michael. Apparently, rich people can lend out "domestics" in Charleston. Amen to Cameron for not making her own baby food. My sister makes her own dog food and it's not table scraps. Dozier eats better than my kids do.


Craig skypes with his cute little parents. They are like those cute little garden gnomes in the South. Just homey. Craig has now entered into a domestic partnership with his roommate post Naomie break-up. They watch their evening shows while Craig sews. it sounds very lovely, I am jealous and a future reboot of Golden Girls in the making. Craig informs his parents he has a referral for a life coach from an Uber life coach. Was Craig driving the Uber or was he the passenger? I am unclear on this.

Thomas meets JD to get his bourbon promo in- the Siamese twins coordinated their outfits- which one is which on there? It is the southern academy uniform for men not ready to have mature emotional relationships with women. JD has the raspy voice of too much booze and cigars. Thomas provides co-parenting advice to his dinner companion. They are just missing the third mouse. Who is also blind.

Cameron calls Kathryn to let her know she is not invited to the baby shower Miss Patricia is throwing- I have nothing witty or snarky to say. Just that this is a much nicer, warmer and attractive side to C. She is like pretty on the outside and the inside now. It's not all beenos, beer , tacos and Whitney's opinions all up in her.

Shep meets with Monotone Girl- one willing to move to Charleston to groom dogs and potential role on next year's season. She was also planted to shake up the potential increase of ratings in Shep's dismal Relationship Show- the wasted production is not going to be revived with this throwback. Nothing can resurrect that show even with a girl who sounds like she is dead. Throw her back please. Shep realizes he still hates sharing his toys.. and women. Andy has not grown out of Buzz and Woody yet- and so Austen needs to be taught a lesson.

Austen is in denial he is like Shep- the difference is where? He thinks if he says it enough to the camera, he will convince himself, the cast and the audience. He is a lady of leisure-in-training right behind Shep. 

Kathryn meets with Ashley, Thomas' girlfriend. She is cracking her knuckles as she waits for this throw down. Ashely tries to set her up asking if she wants a cocktail (she needs something to report back to Thomas to remind him what a catch she is in comparison rather than standing alone as being a prize. The more she compares, the more she thinks her value increases. Oh Ashley...this is not eBay). 

Chelsea hangs with her dad by the sea, it sounds like a song title. She talks about her mom was mean and all the happy memories they made at Hooters Restaurant. She talks with her dad about it being too easy for men in Charleston dating wise, because there are so many women. She also indicates that she was taught by her dad to remain friends with ex's, even if hard, like with Austen. What is the point of a break-up then? Like the fishing they are doing in the ocean right there with a tequila flask and a nice dog, have some pride and move on to people who make you feel good. Overall, Chelsea is a lot more likeable this season and is definitely looking for a man who is like her dad. This is not going to be found of these boys of Southern Charm who are holding onto their golden years of college for just one more decade.


Ashley gets mug shot pictures of "trophy wife" and "gold digger" and brings up to Thomas Ravanel on camera about having a real mugshot. Thomas, I truly do not think I would ever pass your standard of Miss Patricia Altschul's School for Young Women. I did not receive apparently the Southern Bible on etiquette concerning mug shots.

Naomie, Chelsea, Danni and Kathryn decide to get a hotel room suite for a girls' night in Charleston. Thomas decides he needs a break from his hummingbird and he meets with Austen, Whitney, Shep and Craig. Austen wants to reintroduce Craig back into the wild of dating; because if this little hound is set amongst the flock of ladybirds then Austen will feel better about his own behavior.

During the evening out, Thomas talks about being bold and aggressive in courting, Craig gently reminds him that the ladies of this era do not like it. So now this creepy behavior is resulting in law suits and NDAs. 

As Naomie is tracking Craig on her phone, after self-admittedly admitting to psycho ex-girlfriend syndrome, they decide to meet to discuss whether to get back together.

Naomie hates Craig; once you lose respect, it cannot be brought back like Tom Cruise singing "You Lost That Loving Feeling.


On the 17th of February 1864, John Crosby was on the deck of USS Housatonic, which was located a less than six miles. The Housatonic was patrolling Charleston's Harbor as part of the Union naval brocade during the Civil War. 

At around 8:45 pm,  the officer on the deck saw something break the water about 100 yards on the starboard side. Crosby figured it was a porpoise or a log. The image came closer to the Housatonic and Crosby sounded the alarm. The shadowy image he saw- a submarine.

Union ships had been told to be on guard since information had passed to them from Confederate deserters concerning designs of undersea vessels. The USS New Ironsides had been damaged four months earlier by a semi-submersible CSS David about four months earlier. This particular night- the windless, moonlit evening made perfect conditions for the submarine, the H.L. Hunley. 

Seven Confederate sailors were inside the rudimentary submarine; operating a handcrank that powered a propeller while another sailor steered. The sheer size of the 1,240 ton Housatonic made this a dangerous mission but also the testing of the submarine had already taken 13 lives, including the inventor. Constructed in Mobile, Alabama, Horace Lawson was a marine engineer who designed the plans. The Hunley was a 40-foot-long cylindrical iron steam boiler with a bow and stern that tapered. The structure was tested on the Mobile River, the revolutionary craft was brought to Charleston in August 1863 in the hopes of turning the tide of war with this secret weapon.

One of the incidents in its testing phase occurred when the ship offer ordered the vessel to dive with the hatches open; resulting in five crewmembers drowning (9 total were on the crew). A second training accident occurred after the submarine was salvaged, resulting in the 8 member crew of the Hunley perishing. The designer, H.L. Hunley, died in this incident as well. 

Despite knowing the deadly history, Lieutenant George Dixon agreed to take command in November of 1863 after it was brought to the surface. He was able to have a crew of volunteers come forward to man the craft. Lt Dixon carried a bent gold coin, the result of slowing a bullet that would have killed him at the Battle of Shiloh, hoping this would be his good luck charm for the dangerous mission. 


P.G.T. Beauregard had given orders to Dixon to remain on the surface during attacks, based on the prior testing incidents. However, the submarine still remained below the waterline. The ship's 12 cannons were useless to fire upon the craft. The crew therefore used rifles and shotguns to try to stop the submarine. The armor was strong enough to deflect the bullets. The 16-foot rod of the HL Hunley then struck the warship.

135 pounds of gunpowder exploded after the spear tore into the starboard quarter near the powder magazine. The Housatonic took on water and was the first warship to be sunk by an underwater vessel. Most of the crewmembers would be saved by lifeboat or climbing the rigging, for later rescue as they were in shallow, 37 foot depth. Five sailors of the 155 crewmembers were killed. The HL Hunley though sunk to the bottom of the Charleston Harbor, it is a mystery why after it success. It may have been damaged in the explosion, hit by one of the shots of the Housatonic or sucked into the vortex created by a sinking ship. 

Later, in 1995,  it was pulled up from its watery grave, with the crew and good luck charm still intake.

Images were used from the Southern Charm's cast public Instagram profiles

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